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Saturday, October 17, 2015

a miscarriage story : feelings

So many emotions go through you during and after a miscarriage. What I've learned from talking with other moms is that many of you go through a wide variety of emotions during a miscarriage or afterward. It's normal to be all over the place, particularly because your hormones are everywhere.

To help you feel less alone, I've made a list of some of the feelings or thoughts you may go through during or after a miscarriage. Know you aren't alone. It's normal however you feel.

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  • Anxious, Ashamed- How is this going to be? Will I get through this? Will it happen again? Some women feel ashamed, like they are the only ones to to through this, like they caused it. You should not ever hold on to that feeling, you did not cause this... but it's a common feeling to go through.
  • Bothered - Wondering about this, just trying to figure it out. 
  • Curious, Cruel, Confused - This is some cruel joke, not fair. Curious, why did this happen? So many questions.
  • Disappointed, Determined - Disappointed something went wrong. Determined to get through this tough time, to figure out how to grieve and then move through this to a point of feeling OK again, and to perhaps have another baby someday.
  • Exhausted - so, so, so tired. This is a physically and emotionally draining experience. It's important to recognize how much of a trauma this can be to your body, so you will need rest.
  • Fight - It's time to fight through it, push, work hard to survive this. You will feel like a fighter in the end. 
  • Guilt, Grief, Grateful - Worrying that you caused it, wondering what you did wrong, if only you had done xyz. This is a huge loss. Grieving through it, crying, being angry, feeling it is the only way to move through this. And sometimes you feel grateful for various reasons, that things happen for a reason, or grateful for what you already do have.
  • Helpless, hopeless - Feeling that you cannot control something is the worst feeling in the world, especially something in your body.
  • Ignorant, Ignored - You may feel naive, like you had no idea that this could happen. You may feel like you don't know what anything means, the terminology the doctor uses, what you read online, it's confusing. None of us can prepare for something like this. It's OK not to know... just ask. Ask the questions. Ignored, you may feel like people are not reaching out to you, not texting you, not remembering this experience you are going through... don't get angry with them over this. Some people think you need your space. They think you want that. They don't want to bother you. Open up to them when you are ready.
  • Judged - You might feel like if you don't cry long enough or lock yourself in your room, people will talk. You may feel like if you don't feel the exact same way they feel about their loss, if you get pregnant right away after, or if you "move on too quickly" they will think that you did not care about this experience. It's normal to wonder if others are judging you... but I've come to realize this is a very personal and unique experience, even though so many go through it and can relate to you, each person's experience is slightly different. It's OK to do or feel whatever feels right to you. Let go of the judgment. 
  • Kindness - Recognize the kindness around you from doctors who understand, from friends who have been there. Recognize that you aren't alone. 
  • Lonely - Wondering if you're the only one who has gone through this, if anyone could understand what you're going through. 
  • Mad- It's normal to feel angry, mad that something is taken from you and not knowing why. 
  • Negative - You may feel very negative, angry, frustrated. The opposite of optimistic. You may feel like you'll never be pregnant again or even want to try. You may feel like everything happened for the wrong reasons. This is a process. Remember that as you go through these ups and downs of feelings. It's OK to be negative and mad for a while. 
  • Optimistic - Wanting to believe everything will be better, will be OK. 
  • Pregnant - You were pregnant. You had something and now it is gone. But recognizing that it was real, there was something there, even if just cells, you did do something in your body, and now for some reason it's over... and that's terrible to accept. 
  • Questions- You will probably always wonder why this happened, how it happened. 
  • Recovery- This is a very tough time. Your body will need patience and time to recover. 
  • Survived - You will at first wonder how and if you will survive this terrible experience... and then one day you'll wake up feeling better and realizing you are doing it, you did it, you made it through. It was hard, but you survived. 
  • Tough, Tears- You will feel strong again, I swear. The amount of tears you will cry over this is unexplainable. And that's normal. Let it out.
  • Ups and Downs - Your hormones are all over the place now because you were pregnant and now you're coming down from that. Feeling angry one moment and sad the next is normal. Be patient with yourself.
  • Validated - It's good to talk to others who have gone through this, to read stories from others, talk to your doctor about your questions. This all helps you feel validated, as though what you went through is not crazy, it's normal, even the little random thoughts you had, it's good to talk about those.
  • Warrior- You'll realize that women are warriors, fighters, we can get through anything. And warriors pick up the pieces to fight again and try... 
  • X- You may feel like you have an X on you, like everyone can recognize what you are going through, and some people you don't want to share with (like perhaps some co-workers or the dentist). They may be looking at you, those who know, to make sure you are OK, it's nothing bad, they are just checking in with you. 
  • You are not alone. - Remember that yes, you lost something inside you, your partner lost something, a dream... but YOU are the one going through this physically and that makes it more emotional for you. Remember the you in there. Take care of yourself. And ultimately, please, please remember you are not alone. Others have been there, and can try to support you if you let them.
  • Zzzz - Exhausted mentally and physically. It's a long process. 

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