I am so honored to share my good friend, Hyemi Draheim's story of her miscarriage. She shares such raw emotions through her experience. I admire the way she mothers her two beautiful babies (her happy ever after!), as if she is giving them all the love and then some that she would have given to that first baby. She doesn't take them for granted, and it's clear in everything she does for these babies.
Thank you for sharing your strength, Hyemi.
All images shared from Hyemi Draheim
When did you experience a miscarriage? How far along were you?
After 3 years of trying on our own, Matt and I finally got pregnant after our first round of clomid and IUI. 4 weeks after finding out we were pregnant, at 6 weeks along, we got the news we had lost our baby. I will never forget that day. Monday, March 27, 2011 at 4:30 pm.
What do you remember physically about the process? What was the most difficult part physically?
Thankfully, my body was able to expel all the fetal tissue by itself and didn’t require further medical treatment so I had a lot of cramping and bleeding.
What do you remember emotionally about this process? What was the most difficult emotionally to consider?
Emotionally, I felt numb and every time I thought about it or talked to Matt about it, I cried. Even till this day, when it crosses my mind or talk about it, I tear up.
I think for me the hardest part was thinking, this could have been my only chance at pregnancy. I was so afraid of not be able to have children.
What feeling words would you use to describe this experience?
Heartbroken, bitter, sad, numb.
What were some of the thoughts you had in your mind that maybe at the time didn’t make a whole lot of sense, but still you were thinking them all the same?
I thought it was my fault. I kept thinking “What did I do?”, “What could I have done differently?” “Maybe if I hadn’t told anyone what we were doing, this wouldn’t of happened.”
What medically happened for you? Did you have any procedures? What helped you thorough this process medically-medicines, bath, sleep, etc?
Fortunately, I didn’t have to have any procedures. My body released the fetal tissue by itself. I think if I had to have a D&C, emotionally I would have been worse. When having a D&C, I know you have to go in for blood work for a certain amount of time, etc. It definitely would been harder emotionally.
What helped you emotionally through this process? Do you remember things someone said to you that helped you feel better?
Spending time with my husband helped me tremendously. He is really nurturing, loving, so incredibly patient and a great listener. The nights I was feeling sad and having a hard time, he would let me sit in his arms and feel whatever I was feeling; Cry if I wanted, be mad, be silent.
What are some of the worst things you heard from people about this time?
We didn't tell a lot of people when we got pregnant just for the reason, but there was one person who was kind of insensitive about it. She said to Matt and me that if and when we did get pregnant again, she didn't want to know until we were in the safe zone. Matt and I were both mortified. How can she be so selfish? It was too stressful for her to worry about. Really? Too stressful on her? How about us? I just shook my head and walked away.
What is your advice to a mom who has gone through a miscarriage? What do you hope they remember?
Allow yourself time to grieve, feel all the raw emotions and talk about it.
For me talking to my husband and my mom helped tremendously. I knew they didn't know exactly what I was going through, but were there to listen and offer support. My parents also prayed for me and with me. I’m not an overly religious person, but I do believe in the power of prayer. It comforted me. I grew up in a Christian home and know that prayer can bring healing. For me it did and brought me peace on the days I was feeling my worst. Most importantly, remember you are not alone. Find a support system that is the right fit for you.
Why do you think moms don't talk about miscarriages? Why do you think they SHOULD talk about their experience?
I think moms don't talk about miscarriages for a couple of different reasons. One being, it's too hard emotionally to talk about and two, they feel alone and think no one will understand. I think they should talk about it because everyone has a story and your story may help someone or inspire someone.
Like anything else in life, people connect because they have something in common; like us mommies on the mommy stories. Even though we may be connecting for an unfortunate reason, it’s more important that we made a friend we can share our story with. Like the saying goes, “Everyone comes into your life for a reason: some for good, some for bad. They shape us, they form us: some may break us, but in the end they make us who we are.” I truly believe this. It really helps with the healing process.
Do you do anything to honor the baby you lost, the due date, or another part of this experience?
Yes, nothing big and nothing the same. Every year on March 7th, I take the day off from work and have a quiet day to myself. This year, I took my kids to daycare, cleaned out my closet, and picked up the house in silence. That night after the kids went to bed, my husband and I just sat on the couch, talked a little, cried a little and remembered our baby.
How has this experience made you a stronger mother?
I have been through some tough times in my life, but losing a baby is a kind of hurt, I never imagined. Even though I was only 6 weeks along, it’s crazy how much I loved (still love) our baby.
After this experience and having two healthy babies, I completely understand a mother’s love. A mother’s love is unconditional, true, real, and never ending. I definitely don’t take my children for granted. I appreciate them; the good, the bad, and the ugly. I tell them how much I love them and kiss them a million times a day. Oh and course have the camera in their face every second of every day!
Is there a happy ending to your story?
YES!! After my miscarriage, we stopped trying for one month. Because of our strong desire to conceive and for some reason couldn’t get pregnant on our own, our doctor allowed us to start fertility treatments again one month after the miscarriage. It’s normally recommended to wait 2-3 months.
10 months, a new doctor, 7 rounds of clomid and 7 IUI’s later, WE GOT PREGNANT (Due July 11th)!!!
9 months later, our precious baby boy arrived!!!
NOAH MATTHEW DRAHEIM
Born July 12, 2012
At 7:11 pm
7 lbs, 5 oz and 19 inches long
1 year and 7 months, 1 round of clomid and 2 iui’s, WE GOT PREGNANT AGAIN (Due November 5th)!
9 months later, Noah became a big brother to our precious baby girl!
HARPER GRACE DRAHEIM
Born November 6, 2014
At 12:30 am
7 lbs, 2oz and 20 inches long